Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”