Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Duck typos.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks