Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

I’d rather fork than spoon.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️