Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
6: are snakes just neck?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.