Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

socratic questions

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

There are no pants in heaven.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa