Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
scared to check what name she chose
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
That de-escalated quickly
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.