Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

SONOFA

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?