Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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Geez man, take it easy.
spicy snake
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before