Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Hard not to take this personally

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

The sacred texts.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend