Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
What
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms