Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?