Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
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My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
seems like a niche market
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now