Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.