Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
🍞🦆
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
long lost
