Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god