Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
got so much cardio in today
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
