Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Who wants to be my Valentine?

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.