Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.