Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.