Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

favorite tropes as memes

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.