Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Unsolicited sandwich pics.