Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*