Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane