Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
You Might Also Like
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
technically true but not a great slogan
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.