Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead