Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom