Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed