Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”