Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
You Might Also Like
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
instagram is literally just screenshots of twitter
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
my retirement plan is braless
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.