Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear