Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant