Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The Backseat Boys
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
🍛
What about second breakfast?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.