Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

is nasa ok

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond