Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Pikachu found the lost joint
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me