Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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Saturday
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Uh oh…
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?