Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Guilty! 🤪
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.