Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Matt Goss
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”