Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
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Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Never mess with a drunken pig.
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Artwork by Herta Burbe
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Check out the legs on this baby
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out