Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
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This is why I hate group projects
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.