Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

happy mother’s day❤️

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds