Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Trumpy Cat

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

feetloaf

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks