Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

this is the best day of my life

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.