Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile