Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Bit chilly again tonight.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99