Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Hank is one in a melon.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill