Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.