Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.