Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
You Might Also Like
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?