Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

monday

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

I Can’t Tonight…

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.