Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Ugh
Breaking news:
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.