Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

I’m good, thanks.