Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Camel dough
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.