Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
won’t smith
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
good for her
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.