Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
How and why my FUR ROOM exists