Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one