Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.