Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
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Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I Can’t Tonight…
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb