Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
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I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?