Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
You Might Also Like
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
DOOO EEEET
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
