Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky