Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.


Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.


“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”


Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.


Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss


My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.


*sees person I know in a crowd*
*waves enthusiastically*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*