Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.