Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
You Might Also Like
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
A choir of Spring onions
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.