Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
welp
me after i passed that state trooper
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.