Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
lol
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
The future is now.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.