Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.