Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife