Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.