Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

Ok cat haters, explain this…

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.