Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
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As the best book lists of 2021 drop
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”