Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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