Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
それは草
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!