Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.