Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.