nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
you will never know the true number of layers
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.