Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.